Fatigue seeps into my bones
a noxious, deadening substance.
I would like to
empty my mind
of all thought
free my flesh
from all sensation.
A hollow shell.
(something inside me falls away)
I would like to sink
backwards
into the comforting embrace
of my bed.
And pull the covers over myself
lie motionless and still
while the voice of bon iver whispers into my ear
leave this place far behind
let myself drift.
It would grant some modicum of blessed respite
however fleeting, however temporal.

Flight Dreams

Back then I believed I was determined to lead a life my parents would be proud of;

 I would attain a degree, a job, remain a Christian, marry a nice boy 

Then I discovered a part of me that rose up in a hundred bedrooms that eventually looked like each other.
 I began to understand myself for the first time

 I remember I was catapulted from that claustrophobic room of my parents' dream of my future

I don't know why the pain comes back

Which was why I knew then to pull up the blanket of dreams over my head 

 I would fly off balconies, jump off the tops of flats and swim through air for hours in my sleep

A girl who wants to escape from herself,  and the stifling confines of conformist societal expectations.
She seeks for liberation through dreams.

 

Note: This was inspired by the poem Flight Dreams by Cyril Wong

Thursday night:  I'm walking towards the laundry room to collect my clothes. The corridors are deserted, everyone's probably at the carnival downstairs, watching the band play. Someone from the band starts to sing High and Dry by Radiohead, and as I listen to it, something within me seems to give way. As I sing along to myself, I happen to look down at the the road below and see a lone figure waltzing slowly to himself in sync with the music under the moonlight. Little things like this make me laugh. And even though there are so many deadlines to meet, though time seems to be running out so quickly, though the world is just so crazy right now, I stop and smile to myself, feeling unspeakably at peace, with the sensation that everything is right with the world.

Look who greeted me outside my room this morning! :)

There are so many other things I should be doing but right now I can't even begin to bring myself to look at the growing stack of readings, let alone touch them.

A friend from hall once said, " You know, you wee kim wee people seem to be the only ones who love their school so much and get so animated talking about the mods they're taking. While everyone else- the engineering people, the business people, the chemistry people are always endlessly complaining about their course."

It's times like this which help to remind me what I'm doing all this for. Not for the sake of getting a good G.P.A, or the degree, but because I genuinely enjoy what I'm doing in wkw. Increasingly, it's getting so much harder to keep my head above the water. And the very notion of graded work robs learning of any joy whatsoever. :(


persevere em

These snatched minutes of conversation aren't enough, will never be enough, but that's all I'm ever going to get so I should learn to be content with what brief fragments I have

every time our paths cross i tell myself ' i feel nothing i feel nothing'

on most days i actually believe it.